Parallel relationships are an increasingly recognized phenomenon, but how do you know if you’re one of them? Does your and your partner’s day regularly consist of taking the kids to school, preparing meals, and catching up on work?
The weekends come and your partner goes golfing, while you meet a friend, dividing your time even more?
You may work well as a team managing your home and career, but there is little room for emotional connections, experiences together, or intimacy.
This “parallel partnership” team dynamic, where partners operate side by side but rarely intersect emotionally or intimately, is something parents may be all too familiar with.
Giuseppe Lombardo
Rachel Marmor, a licensed mental health counselor, told LMHC News week that this dynamic can sneak up on couples, especially when the demands of parenting, professional life and running a home mix. The emphasis, she says, is now on getting things done and, without realizing it, the relationship can become purely functional.
“Every couple has to figure out how to support the family, but when the connection between partners is limited to logistics, like ‘Who’s going to pick up the kids?’ or ‘Have you paid the bills?’ the deeper emotional and physical intimacy begins to fade,” Marmor said.
Even if you know what’s going on with the kids, you may not know what your partner is really thinking or feeling, which creates a lack of emotional connection.
The relationship can feel like two people are living on parallel paths, rather than intersecting where they support and nurture each other emotionally, she added. Physical intimacy may also become rare as partners focus more on their to-do lists than on each other.
Kate Engler, LMFT, CST explained that being so separated can become the norm for couples, especially parents, making it a difficult habit to break.
“It seems fair because things are shared between people, but in mixed marriages the woman almost always carries most of the weight,” Engler said. News week.
This imbalance — and a feeling of powerlessness to change it — leads people into parallel partnerships, she added.
Fortunately, partners can move from parallel paths to a more connected and fulfilling relationship, perhaps before children are born. Engler and Marmor agree that carving out time can make a big difference.
Another key strategy is passing tasks by touch. “Whether it’s a warm hug, a kind word, or a genuine question about how your partner feels, these gestures rebuild intimacy,” Marmor said. News week.
Engler also emphasized the importance of individualism in relationships, where both partners maintain their self-esteem while remaining emotionally connected.
“The happiest couples I see are very differentiated, whole people who see their relationships as ‘added value’ to their lives, not as a determining factor,” she said.
To achieve this balance, couples must be intentional in how they divide responsibilities and make space for emotional intimacy.
“It means sitting down and really mapping it all out. It means being able to have potentially difficult conversations in which both partners express their needs/wants/desires to the other, and their partner can tolerate it,” said Engler.
If you recognize the signs of a parallel partnership in your relationship, it’s not too late to build intimacy and reconnect. Marmor said it’s not just about doing things together, but being together emotionally and physically.
“When we can nurture both aspects, we move from parallel paths to intertwined paths, where both partners feel seen, valued, and deeply connected. Relationships aren’t just about survival—they’re about thriving together , to grow together and continue to discover each other every day,” she said.
