Dear Eric: I have a friend who I haven’t spoken to since her small wedding two years ago.
I thought we were pretty close friends for 25 years. We shared our ups and downs.
Before her wedding, she told me it would be a small ceremony with only about 30 friends and family members. It would be in a restaurant. They planned to pay for everyone and 30 was their limit.
I was shocked and hurt when she told me there was no place for me. I always thought we were close.
I offered to pay for my own dinner, but she declined my offer and me.
She later texted me photos of her ceremony as if to include me in this pathetic path. I didn’t respond to the photos and we haven’t spoken since.
I always thought she would contact me, but she never did. Ultimately, I feel like she showed me that she really doesn’t care about our friendship and doesn’t care that I was hurt. Am I wrong or is she wrong?
– Off the guest list
Dear Guest List: There is a saying that goes, “There are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth.” And no one lies.
It seems clear that you have different understandings of the depth of your friendship and the ways you can show the other how much they are appreciated.
She might view your friendship as less close than you do, or she might think that by messaging you she was actually including you. And that is his truth.
But your truth is just as valid. You’ve been hurt, and part of friendship is listening when a friend says we’ve hurt them, and then making things right.
To conclude, I suggest reaching out to clarify things. You wanted her to respond to you in response to your hurt, but did you actually tell her you were hurt? Is it possible she was hurt because you didn’t respond to the photos?
I’m not sure any of you are wrong here. However, a conversation is the only way to achieve shared truth and, hopefully, reconciliation.
Dear Eric: One of my daughters-in-law has always been easy to offend. It’s a family affair, with people being rejected for years. I tried to be loving and caring, but I always failed.
Eighteen months ago she had a medical emergency and our son asked us to come. While they were home, my daughter-in-law started talking about their finances and asking my opinion on what they should do. I suggested that maybe they should start planning for the future instead of living in the moment.
Everything seemed fine for a while. Then came the anger, the pain and everything that goes with it.
I later realized that she wanted me to offer to help them financially. We are retired and we make almost a third of what they make.
She stopped talking to us and we left. She cut off all contact with us right after sending me a really hateful email.
She also told one of our adult grandchildren that I had said untrue things about that grandchild.
Now our son is making proposals on behalf of his wife to simply forgive and forget.
I actually appreciated not having to guard every word I say and all the drama that goes with it. I don’t think I can trust him any more than I did before. I just don’t know if I can forgive and forget. I hate it, but it’s true. Any advice?
– No intentional infringement
Dear, no offense: I see red flags everywhere here. There are so many flags that it looks like the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games.
It is unacceptable that she lied about you to your grandchild; it’s horrible that she cut off contact after you refused to give her money; It’s worrying that she’s so quick to take offense. Legitimate offense is one thing, but the way she deploys it feels more manipulative. You are right to not want to participate in the manipulation.
Your son wants you to forgive and forget, but has he really asked for forgiveness? Or did he contact you? I’m not saying you can’t forgive without an apology, but she crossed several lines and she needs to admit it.
I’m sometimes a fan of “forgive and remember.” She has a behavior that makes it difficult to trust her again without change.
Ideally, you could have a conversation with her where you explain to her how her actions affected you and she makes you forgive him. If she doesn’t, it’s wise to keep a polite distance.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
