DEAR ABBY: My aunt often cuts people out of her life for slights she perceives as small, large, or imaginary. A few years ago, she had a fight with my father (her brother). Somehow, the rest of my family was cut out as well. I guess it’s guilt by association.
She’s done this to me so many times that I’ve decided this one time is the last time. I don’t want to go through the drama of being “reinstated” (without explanation or apology) only to be mysteriously cut off again.
Unfortunately, my father is in poor health. He and his sister have recently made contact, but it is only a cursory conversation. When he dies, how do I tell him of his death without inviting him back into my life? No one in our family wants her at the funeral. Thank you for your wisdom. UNCERTAINTY IN THE WEST
DEAR UNCERTAIN: Inform your aunt of her brother’s death and let her decide whether she wants to attend the funeral. If she does come, be cordial. The woman is clearly upset, but she should be allowed to pay her last respects if she wishes. Allowing her to do so changes nothing between the two of you. Remember, funerals exist to comfort the living, including your aunt.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for almost 30 years and there is nothing inherently wrong with my marriage or my husband. However, since I started working from home, I have noticed that my husband has a variety of irritating personal habits and idiosyncrasies that, because I was away at work all day, I never really “appreciated” until now.
On the one hand, I have always believed that home is the only place where people should be fully accepted despite their imperfections. On the other, he is making me come out of my gourd! Just like with sausages, maybe spouses should not be scrutinized too closely. Any advice for renewing the mystery in our relationship? — ON THE OREGON WALL
DEAR WALL: If all that’s missing is mystery, maybe you and your husband should see each other less often as soon as possible. Being shoulder to shoulder day after day can diminish the romance, according to my email. In the meantime, if there’s something that needs to be changed, tell your husband what’s bothering you so he can make some changes—provided you’re willing to do the same for him. It could save your marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I’m dating a widower whose wife died three years ago. He constantly tells me he loves me. I love him back. The problem is, he writes on his calendar every day that he loves his late wife. He also keeps his gardening shoes by his back door, and a large picture of her faces the chair he’s sitting in. Am I overdoing it? — RANKED SECOND IN MICHIGAN
DEAR SECOND RANKED: Maybe. They say true love never dies. It is possible to still love a deceased spouse while loving a living woman. Only you can decide if his attachment to his deceased wife is something you can live with.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
What Teens Need to Know About Sex, Drugs, AIDS, and Peer and Parent Relationships is in “What Every Teen Should Know.” Send your name and mailing address, along with a check or money order for $8 (U.S. dollars) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, PO Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
