DEAR MISS MANNERS:I seriously need help.
My husband and I are both seen as leaders in our community, although my husband has a professional role as such and I do not.
I was quoted in a newspaper and people told my husband that my statement echoed their own sentiments.
One man told him, “Your wife is becoming more famous than you.” (Although I found this comment crude and offensive, he later insisted it was “just a joke.”) My husband’s response was, “Yeah, well, one of us has to work.”
I found his response disrespectful.
I know this is all about ego, which is why I was upset by the initial comment, which I felt was an affront to her. However, I am deeply upset by her response, which not only insulted me, but did so while she was talking to someone else.
I’m even more hurt because I wanted to defend him about the “most famous” line, and before I could, he used it as an opportunity to put me down.
I really don’t know what to do and I wonder if I’m doing too much.
LOVED READER:Now Miss Manners needs help.
It seems to him that if anyone was being insulted here, it would be your husband, because it implies that he was in competition with his own wife.
But why make a big deal out of this trivial exchange instead of twisting it, as your husband did? Is there some sinister subtext missing here?
DEAR MISS MANNERS:I’m not rich, and my friend is. She loves to eat in nice restaurants.
I can’t afford it, so I usually take her out for hamburgers. She knows my financial situation.
I feel very uncomfortable letting her treat me to fancy nights out, because it’s unlikely I’ll be able to reciprocate.
When I asked her to take me to cheap burger places, she made excuses like she wanted to try a restaurant she just heard about, and I’m the only one who can go with her.
Should I refuse to go with her? Or give up and tell myself that she can afford it and doesn’t care if I can’t reciprocate?
FRIEND READER: This is obviously the case, but you should still return the favor, just not in a restaurant competition. Unless you find a really good restaurant that isn’t yet well-known enough to charge high prices.
No, your friend wouldn’t be able to resist telling her rich friends about it, and prices would skyrocket.
If you absolutely must eat, maybe you can cook her a nice home-cooked meal. But that’s not necessary, there are other ways to reciprocate. She must have other interests besides eating well.
You could give her a small, well-chosen gift, such as a book she might be interested in or a gadget that might solve a problem she mentioned. Or, offer to run an errand to save her time or stress.
You don’t have to do it every time you meet, like buying lunch. Just do it often enough to show that you care about your friend and that you enjoy contributing to her happiness, just as she does to yours. That’s what reciprocity is all about in friendship.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
