DEAR ABBY:My best friend and I both have children in their twenties.
I don’t understand why she coddles her son to the point that he is only just learning to do his laundry, clean his bathroom, pay his bills, go shopping, and go to doctor’s appointments by himself.
She always has an excuse as to why he wasn’t taught life skills when he was younger.
When it came time for her son to move out, she bought a new house and let him stay in the old one.
She said it would be easier for him and he shouldn’t have to pay the price of a house with interest rates where they are. She spent a crazy amount of money on the new house and bought new furniture for herself, leaving her old stuff for him.
How can she not see that she is doing more harm than good by teaching him independence? Both of his parents do this to him.
My daughter, who is 18, has been doing these things since she was 12, and that includes cooking, gardening, laundry and other household chores.
Doesn’t my friend realize that it’s dangerous not to let her son do things for himself? Am I wrong to think that?
— GOOD PARENT IN MICHIGAN
DEAR PARENT: You’re not wrong. By not teaching her son the survival skills he’ll need on his own (if he ever does), she’s slowed down his ability to fend for himself.
Perhaps it was an attempt to make her life easier, or to keep her beloved son dependent on her for as long as possible.
Be grateful that the young man is getting lessons on some of these tasks, even if they are a little late.
DEAR ABBY:After many years of trying to keep our family together, divorce is our last option.
My husband has had two affairs, to my knowledge, in our thirty years of marriage. They have deeply hurt me. We have sought counseling, but we cannot seem to overcome the damage and the breakdown in communication.
Should I tell our college-aged children about our affair? I kept it a secret for years because he was a good father and I didn’t want to ruin my children’s relationship with their father. But now that we’re separating, I’m afraid people will blame me for our situation when it’s all his fault.
I did everything I could to save our marriage, including forgiving the first affair, which happened before our children were born, and raising what I thought would be happy, successful children with him. Now he has ruined everything again and I am angry that he is able to continue to have a good relationship with our children.
At the same time, I have a good relationship with my elderly father, although I suspect he cheated on my mother. After all these years, I’m not sure, and I’m glad I’m not sure.
What do you think? Should my children know the real reason for our separation?
— RESENTMENT IN CANADA
DEAR RESENTMENT:If your husband is true to himself, your children will probably figure out on their own that their father has a character flaw.
You’ve said you’re grateful not to know intimate details about your father, so I recommend you take a cue from yourself and resist the temptation to throw mud at your almost-ex.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
