DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was in college, a friend’s family graciously opened their home to me for a few months while I worked a summer job near them, an hour away from my family.
I did my best to treat their home with as much respect as my parents’, and at the end of the summer, I gave them what I could afford with my income for their kindness.
During an evening meal, I enjoyed tomatoes from the garden that the hostess had provided me. She interrupted the meal – loudly, but with a smile intended to soften the shock – by saying: “Uh-oh! Looks like someone hasn’t learned to eat their tomatoes with a fork and knife!
I was momentarily confused, because indeed I had not been taught this, nor did I know that it was expected. I immediately obeyed and have been eating tomatoes properly ever since. I know his instructions were correct and I learned a valuable lesson in etiquette.
I just imagine that before that evening she must have put up with horror at my rude ways and dealt with them as best she could. Hopefully she knew at least from the look on my face that I had acted out of ignorance rather than inconsideration.
Because I appreciate this life lesson, but I also remember the embarrassment, how should I handle this if something similar happens with my children’s friends?
GENTLE READER: Although the lesson may have been useful, Miss Manners reminds you that correcting another person’s manners is, as a general rule, rude.
Your friend’s mother took advantage of the exception for parents and those who replace them. But applying it to someone of college age was a difficult task – and doing it in front of family wasn’t as kind as you describe it now.
It’s better to give instructions later, in private, and limit yourself to transgressions of great importance and those that you think will be well received.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I love entertaining and we have the means to do so regularly.
We often invite neighbors over, but we leave out one particular neighbor (whom we see regularly) because he is very outspoken about his political views. We do our best to keep our social events light and fun.
I feel bad that we didn’t invite this neighbor, and I’m sure he notices that he’s left out.
Is there any way to tell him that it would be welcome if he kept his political opinions to himself? We encounter him frequently and it has become embarrassing.
GENTLE READER:More awkward than telling him he’s only welcome in your home if he can keep his opinions to himself?
Nevermind. Even if Miss Manners were able to concoct such a plan, it wouldn’t work.
You should be able to choose who you like – or not – and who you want to socialize with. But the chances that someone insensitive to the issue would prove more acceptable if they limited their conversation to non-political topics make it not worth pursuing.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
