Fresh from his international lap of honour, Starmer’s next role was as Biden’s chief mourner | Keir Starmer

Think of it as a lap of honour. We had all seen the images. A grateful world greets Keir Starmer at the NATO summit in Washington. A saviour in their midst. A week later, European leaders are lounging in the summer heat at Blenheim. An early evening meeting with Emmanuel Macron on a bed of rose petals. All was well in the best of all possible worlds. More or less.

But it has to be done. Call it a formality. Call it a courtesy. Anyway, on Monday afternoon the Prime Minister was in the House of Commons telling MPs how brilliant he had been at NATO and the European Political Community. What a heaven it was to be alive at that time. When the hour comes, the man comes. It was on days like these that the work was worth doing. Chatting with the great and the good.

But before that, Starmer had a most solemn duty to perform. In recent weeks, it might have seemed as if Keir thought that no American president had ever been as clear-headed as Joe Biden. The man who will lead the United States for another four glorious years.

It was all a misjudgement. It had never happened. For the prime minister was sad to say that he had never thought Biden should run for a second term. Mainly because he was now dead. If things do not go to plan for Starmer in 10 Downing Street, he has a glorious alternative career ahead of him: as chief mourner at funerals for those without friends or relatives. The heartfelt eulogy for someone he never knew.

At least that’s what Starmer said in his opening statement. Biden had been a great, great leader. Start the muffled drums. Go silently into the dark night. His loss was not just for the American people, but for the world.

Keir was almost expected to burst into tears. There is a lot of money to be made doing this kind of international work. The UK would of course work with whoever the US chose as its next president. But we will never see Biden like him again. Pause for two minutes of silence – a silence punctuated only by the president’s attempt to escape from the coffin the rest of the world had put him in. “Let me out.”

All this must have been galling to Rishi Sunak. He should have been the one bragging about how important he was to Biden, how close they had been to him. He should have been the one having his picture taken in Washington and Blenheim. It could have been him if he had not been stupid enough to call a general election in July. Why had he not listened to all his advisers and held out until November? For one last summer of self-esteem.

But nothing has marked Rishi’s tenure as much as his departure. There has been hardly an ounce of bitterness. This is quite unexpected from a man who had been so touchy. Perhaps part of him is relieved that it is all over.

In any case, he exuded grace. Starmer had done a good job on the international stage. He had offended no one. He had not used the wrong knife and fork at the banquet. He was not even concerned that Keir was considering closer ties with the EU while pretending to be committed to the single market and the customs union. If everyone agreed that no lines were blurred, then all lines could be blurred.

Late in life, Starmer and Sunak have struck up an unusual relationship. After years of insulting each other, they now vie with each other in praise. You’re the best. No, you’re the best. Keir even mistakenly referred to Rish! as “prime minister.” There’s something quite disconcerting about all this. Maybe it’s just the size of the majority that’s changed the relationship. After all, many Tory MPs have also been queuing up to congratulate Starmer on his largely imaginary diplomacy. It’s amazing how much not falling over impresses some people. On days like these, Keir must think he has the easiest job in the world.

Then Yvette Cooper made a statement in the House of Commons on illegal immigration. Here is her view after spending the last two weeks scouring the books of the Home Office. Imagine her shock to discover that it was all much – MUCH – worse than she had been led to believe. We were all shocked.

£700 million to send four volunteers to Rwanda was just the start. She has now discovered that the real cost of the programme was more like £10 billion over six years. A figure that ballooned to £30-40 billion later in her speech. That is inflation. I am not at all convinced that Yvette has a GCSE in maths. But it did please the Labour MPs who filled the government benches.

Mind you, Cooper is very good at sounding confident. I guess that’s what sets people in high office apart. A confidence that borders on insanity. She was pretty silent about what she was going to do about it. Other than crushing the gangs. And putting in place a proper return policy. Although she didn’t know where she was going to send the Afghans, Iranians and Syrians back. Maybe the plan is to send the Afghans to Syria. The Syrians to Iran. And the Iranians to Afghanistan. That way, you can ease the oppression.

James Cleverly seems perfectly suited to life as Shadow Home Secretary. A position that suits his natural laziness and general incompetence. Sure, he misses first-class travel and government limousines, but he’s not really expected to do much. That way, you never have to prove how far out of his depth you are.

So it was a very hesitant Jimmy Dimly who answered on behalf of the opposition. He knew that the Tories’ plan for Rwanda was completely crazy and that life was too short to get so worked up about the new government’s plans. Either it would work – and in that case there would be no harm in remaining largely silent – or it wouldn’t. In that case, he would have plenty of time to say “I told you so” later. No need to worry about details. He waved his hands a bit, huffed and sat back, bored. This was hardly a leadership bid.

You would have thought that Nigel Farage would have had something to say about immigration, but he left the House before he could begin his statement. He probably had a well-paid gig at GB News. So Richard Tice had to say something off topic. Or Richard Trice, as the speaker called him. That one is a must. Welcome to Dicky Trice.