DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating a man for nine months and we started talking about moving in together.
While I’m excited about the prospect, I worry about how our different cleaning habits and household responsibilities might affect our relationship. I tend to be more organized and prefer a tidy home, while my partner is more relaxed when it comes to cleanliness.
I subtly mentioned last night that many modern couples have separate bedrooms – with the ability to have unlimited sleepovers, which can keep the relationship always exciting. He scorns the idea, saying we’ll be more like roommates than people in a relationship.
Without offending him, how do I tell him I won’t move in if he doesn’t agree with it?
— Questions about living together
DEAR QUESTIONS OF LIVING TOGETHER: You started this conversation in a convoluted way. Go back and be direct.
Tell him that you like the idea of living with him emotionally, but that you are concerned logistically. Explain that you have noticed that he is not tidy and that you are concerned that his approach to organization and cleanliness may be a problem for you.
Describe how you would like your home to be maintained and what you hope it would provide. Ask him about his desire to be more neat and work with you on maintaining your home. But don’t just listen to what he says. Observe his environment for signs of improvement.
He shows you who he is. Can you live with him as is? Otherwise, don’t move in.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is about to turn 60, which is a big milestone, and my father doesn’t seem to be planning anything special for her.
She has always been the one to go above and beyond the expectations of everyone else in the family, so my siblings and I thought it would be nice for her to have a relaxing day at the spa. She loves going to the spa and we thought this would be a thoughtful gift from my dad, something that shows how much he appreciates her.
We suggested this idea to him a few weeks ago, and he initially agreed that it was a great project. The problem now is that instead of taking the lead and organizing everything, my father started asking us to step in and help him organize everything. He even asks if we can contribute financially to the cost of the spa package.
It was supposed to be his gift to his wife, and we really wanted him to make the effort. It feels like he’s shifting the responsibility to us, which just doesn’t seem appropriate for such an important anniversary.
I don’t know what to do at this point. Should we go ahead and help him, or is it right to step back and let him handle this on his own?
— Big birthday
DEAR BIG BIRTHDAY: Stop dreaming and pretending that your dad is going to wake up and become a great party planner. Your mother knows who he is. Instead, take a different approach.
Plan the birthday with your father. Make it a gift from family, rather than being invisible behind the scenes with your siblings. Determine the budget, how much each of you can contribute, and what tasks each of you will have. Present the plan to your father and siblings, then make it happen.
Your mother won’t be disappointed that the family worked together, and neither should you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative aimed at helping people access and achieve their dreams. You can send questions to Askharriette@harriettecole.com or to Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
