DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is intelligent, educated, well-spoken and has a responsible job. He is also openly racist, misogynistic and homophobic – all for religious reasons, of course.
It must be recognized that he never addresses these subjects, but if they come up, he does not hesitate at all to express his sectarian opinions.
His response to criticism is that he has just as much right to his opinions as liberals have to theirs, and that he has just as much right to express his opinions as liberals have to express theirs. He says that tolerance includes tolerance of all points of view, including one’s own.
This doesn’t seem quite right to me, but I can’t exactly put my finger on what’s wrong.
Furthermore, he is a charming and pleasant person to be around. At this point, the rest of the family just deals with it by avoiding these topics.
What do you think we should do?
GENTLE READER: Continue to avoid these topics.
Of course, it’s tempting to poke the bear, even if you know how it will react. Your brother is probably an adult, entrenched in his prejudices, and arguing is less likely to reform him than to ruin family gatherings.
Miss Manners can, however, offer you some comfort.
First, you are already making your point effectively by refusing to engage with him when he speaks like this.
And second, you’re right: hate speech does not deserve the same tolerance as broad, well-intentioned differences of opinion.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have the pleasure of hosting an annual holiday dinner for our family and we think almost everyone finds the event enjoyable.
A few years ago we started inviting a group of my relatives. They had previously celebrated with others, but deaths unfortunately put an end to these traditions.
At our gathering, these loved ones sit together before dinner and don’t move or mix until it’s time to leave. They only interact with others in groups and only talk with individuals in front of them during dinner.
We began to think that we had failed to make the event welcoming enough.
My husband thinks that this year we should promote the get-togethers by using place cards at the table to “break the cabal” (as he puts it), but I wonder if that will incite general revolt and make the event even more more alienating. What should we do?
GENTLE READER: Start even earlier to break the cabal.
One of the jobs of a host is to make sure people mingle. Miss Manners agrees that adults who know themselves should do this without prompting, but apparently not in this case.
So take Aunt Jennie’s arm with gentle strength and point her toward Cousin Jason, saying, “You’re both avid gardeners and both Blue Sox fans, aren’t you?”
Leaving them together, you walk over to your great-niece Lilia and say, “Could you explain friendship bracelets to Uncle Horace?” His granddaughter has dozens of them, but he doesn’t understand what they are.
By dinner time, they will be too absorbed to protest being artfully scattered around the table.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
