Dear Eric:My husband and I have been together for almost 25 years, married for 15. We have two children, ages 8 and 12.
I can’t say our marriage was good or easy or that staying together was wise, and I could have written about a litany of challenges.
I’ve always criticized the imbalance of tasks in our relationship. For two decades, I did most of the work in the household and family: dinner, dishes, school paperwork, medical appointments, vacations, decorating the house.
Our 8 year old was born prematurely, which added a few years of weekly specialist appointments, ordering supplies, hospital stays, etc. It was all on me to manage as well. It was tough.
I deeply appreciate the opportunities to find joy in the special moments I have been able to create, as well as in my own successful career.
Last month, during an argument, my husband yelled at me, “All I do is make dinner.” I am devastated and don’t know what to do.
Leaving aside the fact that making dinner most nights for the past 20 years has been a job in itself, I feel like every trip I’ve planned, every gift I’ve wrapped, or every wall I’ve painted has been a waste of time. What would I be if all of those things were nothing?
I was already debating whether to stay in this relationship or leave it, but now my own identity is so shaken and I feel so ashamed that I spent my entire adult life doing something so insignificant. What should I do?
– Invisible work
Dear workers,:I am so sorry. Your husband is wrong and I know you know it. It is time to change things for your health and the health of your children.
You can give your husband your chore list, you can go on strike, you can discuss it in couples therapy, but at the end of the day, is he a person who values you? You deserve to be valued.
The work you do to improve your life and the lives of your children shows that you value yourself. It’s that value that matters, not his ill-informed insults.
He wasted 20 years without seeing you, but do you really think the doctor’s appointments, homework help sessions, or Christmas decorations were a waste? Your kids certainly don’t. What you did mattered.
However, without some kind of intervention – whether it be therapy or separation – I fear that they will be influenced by his negativity and perhaps even adopt his skewed view of work or even of you.
See a therapist on your own, if you can afford it, to sort through your feelings of shame. This will also help you clarify what future you want for your relationship, if any.
Dear Eric:My father-in-law is in a relationship with someone who makes staying at his house while visiting a horrible experience for me, my husband and our children.
My husband is not one to confront others and is just too nice and shy to stand up to this woman who has taken over the accommodation.
He also has no open communication with his father to tell him his feelings or what happened during our visits.
She doesn’t even live there, but she makes him feel like an unwelcome guest in his own childhood home. My memories of recent holiday visits are mostly negative because of her.
This time I want to stay somewhere else to try to make the experience more positive for us and our children. If we stay somewhere else, the whole family will know that I am the one making that decision.
Should I just do as my husband would otherwise or just tell my father-in-law that we are going to stay somewhere else this time without giving a reason. I don’t think it is my place to discuss this woman’s issues with him so I can’t be honest.
– Exasperated visitor
Dear visitor: If I had a family crest, it would say, “No more suffering!” No more grinning and bearing it in a vacation rental that no one really likes, or doing that vacation tradition that makes everyone miserable. No more suffering!
Give yourself the gift of staying somewhere else. I wish your husband would feel comfortable standing up for himself, but I’m glad you’re willing to at least stand up for everyone’s happiness.
Tell your father-in-law that you’ve decided to try something new, but if he asks, tell him the truth. You’re family too, and his partner’s behavior affects you too. This could also be an opportunity to make sure he’s okay, that she’s not ignoring his wishes or treating him badly in any other way.
Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
