DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife has a terminal illness and has been undergoing treatment for several months.
Many of his close friends have been very generous with meals, cards and flowers, for which we are both grateful and grateful.
Early on, a former colleague of mine (from 14 years ago) learned of my partner’s illness and signed up through a meal service app to bring food during the most difficult weeks of treatment. She also sometimes leaves food or objects at our front door, which we don’t find until hours later.
Most gifts are lovely, but they become too many.
Last week she dropped off three new hardback books – which my wife cannot hold in her hands due to her weakness. Earlier this week, she brought food that none of us could eat, due to restrictive ingredients that she hadn’t noticed in the meal sign-up application.
Today, she has dropped off 15 magazines. Again, this is very thoughtful and generous, but now I have to put in more effort and time to get rid of these items or donate them.
Luckily, we were able to distribute the food we couldn’t eat (after my wife ate just one bite to allow her to write a legitimate thank you note).
I hope the gifts stop soon, but is there a way for my wife to diplomatically say, “You have done enough; please stop! in his next thank you note?
GENTLE READER: Not only is it possible to put an end to it, it is necessary, because the last thing your former colleague would want is to make the situation worse.
But Miss Manners wonders why you would wait for your wife to write the thank you letter. You can relieve her of some etiquette tasks as surely as you can retrieve items left at the door.
Call the gift giver immediately to explain your gratitude and practical limitations.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a friend to parties twice after asking her if the dates were open for her, and she accepted each time. About a week before each party, she would say she was going to do something else and wouldn’t come.
Am I too sensitive to be a little bothered by this?
My parents always told me that once you accept an invitation, you honor it. Pulling out later (unless it’s an emergency or illness) makes it seem like you’ve found something better to do.
GENTLE READER: Your parents and Miss Manners agreed until they veered into euphemism.
Miss Manners reportedly concluded by saying that backing down makes it seem like you – or in this case, your friend – have no manners. After all, there is no doubt that your friend preferred the second option, since she chose it.
To answer your question, you’re not too sensitive. A certain sensitivity would have prevented offering a second invitation after having been snubbed once.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely stop someone who wants to gossip about me?
GENTLE READER: Practice listening carefully so that you still have the distinct impression that you missed every word.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
