DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m 45 years old and I thought I had finally married the love of my life just six months ago.
My husband and I share many of the same values, dreams, and goals, and I was thrilled to have found someone with whom I could build a future.
We dated eight months before we got married, but since we got married he started to change his personality. I don’t think my husband really loves me anymore.
At first I dismissed the warning signs, convinced I was overthinking, but now I feel like the truth is staring me in the face. He’s distant and emotionally unavailable, and I feel like his affection is conditional and only present when I give him something.
The more I think about our relationship, the more I begin to believe that he didn’t marry me out of love at all, but for my financial stability. It seems like he’s more interested in what I can give him than in making a real connection.
He has stopped putting effort into our relationship and whenever I bring up my concerns, he brushes them aside or avoids the conversation altogether. Now I wonder if I was really what he wanted. How can I confront him about this?
— Duped
DEAR DUPE: Ask your husband to come to a family gathering. Start by telling him that you have serious things to discuss and that you need his participation. Do your best to get him to agree to listen and share.
Reveal your observations and ask him what is happening to him. Point out what you call red flags and ask him why he is behaving differently. Be direct. Ask him what happened that impacted his character.
Tell him what you want and need from him in your marriage and ask him if he can start providing those things again.
If he doesn’t respond or doesn’t want to, suggest he go see a counselor to resolve your issues. If you are going to be married for life, you need to address the issues that are currently challenging you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends is having a birthday this weekend. She’s the kind of friend who bakes us cakes for our birthdays, plans trips when we’re feeling down, and is always just a phone call away.
She crochets, paints, makes DIY projects, and gives thoughtful, personal gifts.
Since I’m not an artist myself, what do you suggest I get him that would be thoughtful but easy to implement? She’s pretty well off and I can’t afford anything expensive right now, but I’d like to get her something meaningful. THANKS!
— Birthday gift
DEAR BIRTHDAY GIFT: It’s good for you to have thought about it seriously. One idea is to make him a card. Inside, tell him this is an invitation to spend an afternoon together exploring your city, taking a hike in a popular park, or going to see the movie of his choice.
Spending time with her is priceless. This shows that you are thinking about her and truly care about her. Giving her the opportunity to choose what you do together is a way to engage her and ensure she’s happy in the process.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative aimed at helping people access and achieve their dreams. You can send questions to Askharriette@harriettecole.com or to Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
