A man who sought advice online after being bitterly disappointed by his girlfriend’s birthday present may be more confused than ever as commenters couldn’t agree on who was in the wrong.
And an expert said Newsweek that the problem here is that “one person’s thoughtfulness is another person’s expectation.”
The man, who did not give his name but writes on Reddit under the username u/ApprehensiveSlip8059, took to the r/AITAH subreddit on August 22 to ask for help on how he and his girlfriend could move forward after an argument.
He said he and his partner, both 20, had been together for a year and that he had recently celebrated his birthday. On the night of his birthday, his girlfriend gave him his “surprise” birthday present, which turned out to be herself in a new lingerie set, which he was initially delighted with.
But after “fooling around” he realized it was his only gift.
“This upset me and felt like a lazy excuse for a gift from someone I’ve been dating for a year,” he wrote in the post.
He said he felt like she had “bought something for herself and said it was a gift for me.” And he was upset because for her birthday, he had taken her out to dinner, which cost her over $200.
Certified Etiquette Professional Lisa Mirza Grotts said: Newsweek that “the most important rule of gift-giving is to be thoughtful.”
“When expectations are not met, disappointments often follow. What is given is in the gain,” she said. “It is never about price or extravagance, but about the intention and thought behind the gift.”
While the man felt he had every right to be upset that her new lingerie was his birthday present, he acknowledged he may have gone too far when he asked her, “So if we break up, can I keep this and give it to whoever I date next?”
Nicole Moore, relationship expert and creator of the Love Works method, said Newsweek that the man was “definitely wrong to get angry,” pointing out the “bad gift-receiving etiquette” of criticizing the gift or comparing the monetary values of the gifts.
Acknowledging that he probably felt “underappreciated” and that he was “entitled to his feelings,” she nevertheless said he had “no right to project them onto his girlfriend and guilt her” into making her feel bad.
On the subreddit, the man asked: “AITA [Am I the a******] not to be delighted with the birthday present my girlfriend gave me?
Unfortunately for him, the panelists couldn’t agree. Some joked about the gift itself, with one writing: “Does it fit you?”
“He should have asked her if he could wear it instead of the phrase ‘breakup,’” another user wrote, while another said, “We really need a picture of him wearing it.”
Another user sidestepped the question of who was right or wrong, but advised: “Holding scores is a sign of resentment, nothing kills a relationship like resentment, stonewalling, defensiveness or criticism.”
One suggested that “the comment was a bit excessive,” while another said that his gift of a dinner out was similar to the gift of sexy lingerie she gave him.
“He didn’t buy her a proper gift for her birthday. Dining out is something they both shared, so she’s just returning the favor,” the user wrote.
Another agreed, writing: “I really don’t see how your gift was any different than hers. You guys probably eat together all the time? So going to a fancy restaurant just takes the experience up a few notches. She did the exact same thing for you with the lingerie.”
Viktoria Korobova/Getty Images
One user warned: “If you don’t appreciate your girlfriend dressing up in lingerie as a birthday present, then another man definitely will.”
But some sided with the man, with one writing that lingerie was “a bit of fun” but “definitely shouldn’t be the main event when it comes to gift-giving.”
Moore acknowledged that the man and his girlfriend had both given each other “gifts of experience,” which many consider a valid form of giving.
“If the original poster is not a fan of shared experience gifts and would prefer his girlfriend to give him something that is entirely hers, he should have communicated his preference to his girlfriend later without criticizing her gift,” she said.
“Ultimately, when you receive a gift, the only appropriate thing to do in the moment is to thank the person who gave you the gift and be grateful for the effort they made to get you something,” she said.
According to Marriage.com, statistics show that money problems are one of the leading causes of relationship or marriage breakdown. Infidelity, poor communication skills, and lack of emotional connection are also cited as common reasons for relationship failure.
Newsweek reached out to u/ApprehensiveSlip8059 on Reddit for comment.
Have you noticed any red flags that have prompted you to end a relationship? Let us know at life@newsweek.com. We can seek expert advice and your story could be featured in Newsweek.
