DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is incredibly stingy. We get along well in many ways, but when it comes to money, he’s not what I expected.
He never offers to pay for our dates. Not that I would mind sharing the bill sometimes, but I noticed that he never makes any effort to treat me, even on special occasions. He is also extremely reluctant to share anything. If we go out to eat, he doesn’t offer me a bite of his meal, which seems selfish.
I’m not one to demand material things, but I do expect a certain level of generosity and a willingness to share in a relationship.
Growing up, I saw my parents adopt a different type of relationship: my father was always a gentleman, caring for my mother and showing her his affection through small acts of generosity, whether it was paying the dinner or just being thoughtful.
Seeing my boyfriend behave so differently from what I’m used to made me wonder if he really cares about me.
I know people show their love in different ways, but it’s hard not to feel like his greed is a reflection of his feelings for me. I fear this concern is superficial, as it revolves around money.
Am I overreacting or is this something I should be more concerned about?
– Stingy boyfriend
DEAR MEVERY BOYFRIEND: Your boyfriend clearly grew up with different ideas about how to behave in a relationship.
Tell him a story about your father and how he treated your mother. Describe what thoughtfulness looked like to you. Ask him why he never treats you to meals or contributes financially.
Listen to him to hear his thoughts and ask him if he would consider being more generous.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend, “Clark,” and I have been living together for two years now, and although I love him, I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by household chores.
I’m 26 and work full time in a coffee shop, while Clark works in IT. Despite our busy schedules, I often find myself doing most of the tasks because he tends to say “later” when I ask for help.
I feel like he no longer hears my cries for help, and I can’t rest until everything is done.
This has resulted in multiple fights, and it’s becoming more and more frustrating for me.
I would appreciate small gestures, like flowers or little surprises, to show that he cares. I want to find a way to share responsibilities more equitably and reconnect with him.
— Overwhelmed at home
DEAR OVERWHELMED AT HOME: Call a family meeting – something I recommend instituting once a week so you have consistent time to talk about any family business, good or bad.
Tell him you want to talk about how things have been since you started living together. Point out some interesting aspects of the dynamics. Then let’s move on to the challenges.
Explain that you think he expects you to do everything around the house and that you are not willing to do that. You believe that the distribution of tasks should be practical and useful.
If he still won’t help you, tell him he’ll have to contribute to the cost of a maid because you didn’t sign up to be his maid. Budget for it and hire someone.
On another occasion, tell him that you miss the romance in your relationship. Encourage him to do some small, spontaneous gestures like bringing you flowers, inviting you for a walk, or buying you a small gift. Figure out what makes him happy and be willing to do it.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative aimed at helping people access and achieve their dreams. You can send questions to Askharriette@harriettecole.com or to Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
