Dear Eric: For over a decade, I worked in the administrative offices of a busy law firm. I am at least 20 years older than my three colleagues, all of whom joined the firm straight out of university.
During my tenure, my colleagues all got married and started families. Due to the rigors and responsibilities of parenting and life in general, one or more of my associates are regularly absent, and increasingly all three simultaneously. The responsibility inevitably falls on me to take over.
During a recent performance review, I referenced the stress of running the office alone and my consequent inability to carry out core departmental responsibilities.
This was a statement of fact intended to emphasize the need for additional staff. Instead, the company’s CEO reported to each of my coworkers that I had complained about their chronic absenteeism, leading to accusations that I, a single man with no children, was was insensitive to their family obligations.
Our once close working relationship has deteriorated significantly.
Our HR department defines annual interviews as confidential spaces where free expression is encouraged. However, my supervisor betrayed that trust.
My complaint to HR resulted in a praise for superior work ethic, which I found condescending. My supervisor’s tactics were ignored.
As my department no longer has the collegial and supportive atmosphere it once did, I am considering resigning and sharing my reasons with our board of directors.
– Legal limbo
Dear limbo: You should definitely go for it, if you have another job lined up. Quitting sends a message, but that message shouldn’t come at the expense of your financial stability.
Your instincts about this job are right. This is not a place that prioritizes your support or that of your colleagues. And it seems that the top brass are either woefully incompetent at communication or randomly manipulative.
It doesn’t have to be this way. You brought a workflow issue to their attention, they gave you a gold star, and caused unnecessary drama instead of giving you and your colleagues the support you need. Ideal if you participate in a soap opera. Not so great in real life.
Before resigning, try to resolve issues with your colleagues. You may not return to the close relationship you had, but there’s no reason for you to remain the bad guy here.
[A very similar letter from a man who said he’d already quit his job was in the Dear Abby column. Here’s what Abby said.]
Dear Eric: My ex-husband was emotionally abusive to my oldest child (they/them pronouns). I was a victim of his abuse throughout the marriage. I ultimately divorced this man before my oldest graduated high school.
After years of therapy, I finally understood my behavior and sincerely apologized to my oldest for not getting him out of the situation sooner.
When they went to college, they started not answering phone calls or text messages.
Last Christmas, they told me they didn’t understand why no one stood up for them when their father was mean to them. They said I was a terrible mother.
We talked about moving forward with their advisor to resolve these issues together. They told me that it was also my responsibility to move us forward.
I texted several times to improve our relationship. They responded that they were working with their therapist to get to a place where they felt comfortable doing this and that I would hear from them in the coming weeks.
No further mention of attempts to move forward since then. This looks like intentional cruelty.
I increasingly feel no desire to interact with them in the superficial way I used to. I just don’t want to intrude into someone’s life who resents me as a mother for the many ways I’ve let them down.
– Angry mother
Dear Mother: When your senior says it’s up to you to move your relationship forward and he doesn’t respond, that seems to me to be a poorly constructed test of your commitment.
They want to know that you will show up for them while punishing you for not showing up the way they wanted you to in the past. It’s a sign of someone who isn’t as ready to move forward as they say they are. And it’s probably painful for them too.
Try to find a communication boundary that works for you, without feeling like you’re constantly reaching out with no response.
What you want is to maintain some semblance of a relationship to meet your emotional needs, without creating an expectation for your child that he or she won’t meet.
Talk about the pain you feel in individual therapy. This is going to take longer than you would like. But it’s not because you are bad or unworthy of your child’s love or attention. That’s because healing is a complicated journey and you’re both still on it.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
