Dear Quentin,
I have a serious problem with my eldest son, who is 36 and married.
I helped him financially, so he understood that saving means paying yourself first. However, I am guilty of helping him too often, so much so that he seems to reach out to me most of the time when he calls me every now and then.
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Yesterday I emailed her to tell her that her cousin was playing a concert in Dallas in October. Her nasty response was shocking, huge, and immediate, and she reminded me that I had asked her repeatedly not to treat me this way, and yet it continued.
I have forgiven him for his behavior so many times that I have lost count. I don’t deserve this. I have done nothing wrong. I will not accept it again. I am ashamed to say that this has been going on for years. I have threatened to love him from afar if he does it again. Now I have to act accordingly.
He is on medication for anxiety and depression. He takes his medication. It is obvious that he only needs me for money. Is there a way to change this dynamic?
At the end of my tether
Related: “I didn’t understand how this could happen to my family until now”: My brother stole $200,000 from my mother’s savings. How can I stop him?
Dear Fin,
Tell him, “No.” Tell him, “Alas, no.” Tell him, “No, thank you.” Whatever it takes. Rinse and repeat. Stick to your script. You have no reason to apologize. You did everything you could. He is responsible for the man he is today.
To change the dynamic, you’d have to give your son a personality transplant. That’s not going to happen. Not anytime soon. No amount of money or pep talks will give your son the gift of gratitude, magically make him appreciate your generosity, or untangle the roots of his resentment. Medication alone won’t do the trick, either. It will take therapy, tough love on your part, and self-awareness and responsibility on his part. You can’t buy these things on Amazon.com.
The person who needs the most support in the context of this letter is you. Seek help from a trusted family friend, a lawyer, and a therapist. You need to extricate yourself from this toxic situation by setting boundaries and not allowing yourself to be constantly hurt by cruel emails or texts, bullying, or demands for money. These demands for money are also an unspoken deal: if you accept this one time, maybe everything will be okay. It won’t.
You wrote this letter just in time. Bullying you for money and treating you like an ATM today could lead to elder abuse tomorrow. So you need to protect yourself legally and financially. What if you had a heart attack or stroke and became disabled? Or what if in 10 or 20 years you lost your mobility? Who would you turn to? You may want to set up a power of attorney (a lawyer or other trusted family member) who can act on your behalf in the event you become incapacitated.
Also, consider a medical power of attorney, a separate advance directive that would allow a third party (one of your other children, not your son, of course) to oversee your health care in case you need help. The more specific the directive, the more effective it will be: It could say, for example, that you’d like to have a “do not resuscitate” clause or a “no blood transfusion” clause or a “no visitors” policy for certain people if you’re in the hospital.
Review your power of attorney annually, just as you would a revocable trust. On that note, if you have a large estate, consider placing those assets in a revocable trust, which becomes irrevocable upon your death. You can distribute your assets as you specify after your death and/or set aside money for your grandchildren’s education. A trust also avoids probate, which is public and time-consuming.
Next, update your beneficiaries. This is just the first step in standing up for yourself and helping you get your momentum back. Your beneficiary designations will apply to your 401(k), if you have one, your life insurance policies, and your bank accounts. You can add a “transfer on death” deed to your home. All of these steps will help shrink your probate estate and reduce the need for court challenges.
Finally, write a will. Be very specific about who you include and exclude. Now for the hard part: Start getting used to saying no and don’t give or lend your son any more money. As I told the woman who loaned her son $30,000, it’s no substitute for what your son believes you did or didn’t do in his life. Resist the urge to share your plans with your family, as this is likely to trigger another crisis. battle royale.
This process will not only protect you, it will empower you. Protecting your finances is the first step in establishing healthy boundaries and will allow you to begin the practical process of taking care of your own future. Being pressured to give away money because of the risk of backlash is a symptom of financial abuse. Don’t let anyone hold you hostage, financially or emotionally. You have the right to live a happy, healthy, and peaceful life. It’s yours to take.
Related: “She was on medication”: My cousin forced my elderly mother to give up her share of the family home. What can we do?
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
“He Always Got His Golf Ball”: My husband of 14 years has never worked and we are getting a divorce. He wants half of my million dollar house. What can I do?
“He’s kidding me”: I loaned my son $30,000 to buy a house in 2012. I need it back. He says the “five-year period” for repayment is over. What can I do?
‘I’m not going to give in to these vultures’: My 86-year-old friend is in a hospice, but her ‘friends’ keep asking for her things
