Dear Eric: When my mother died, her trust was mostly split between me and my sister, with a small percentage between my sister’s two children.
My mother and my sister lived together. My mother put the down payment on their house and they split the mortgage and utilities. My sister covered most of the mortgage.
I always imagined giving a percentage of my stake in the house to my sister because she was responsible for taking care of our mother and shared the expenses. Generally, I have no interest in forcing her to sell the house, pay me rent, or buy me out, but I also don’t want to be financially responsible for the mortgage or maintenance, given that ‘she lives there, and I don’t. need to benefit financially until she decides it’s time to sell the house.
My sister recently said she thought she deserved more of a stake in the house. I don’t disagree; however, from what I understand, she has also received a lot more financial support than I have over the years (as well as very affordable housing).
His children also receive a larger share of the estate than expected. In total, his side inherits 55 percent of the estate and I inherit 45 percent.
Initially, I was thinking of offering him 25 percent to reflect on his investment in the house over the years, but, given the children’s percentages, I thought maybe 10 to 15 percent would be fairer. What do you think?
– Shared house
Dear house: At their best, inheritances, wills and trusts are our means of communicating our wishes and love beyond death. But this can sometimes be misinterpreted.
If I’m reading correctly, the house isn’t paid off yet, so it’s less of an inheritance at the moment than a shared expense. The trust division does not appear to take into account any of your sister’s past mortgage payments. Instead, it’s like they’re rent payments to your mother. That’s a good way to look at them, but it doesn’t seem fair in these circumstances.
Indeed, if the 55 percent also includes her children’s share and she will be solely responsible for the mortgage and maintenance in the future, she will get the short end of the stick.
One option is to ask her to calculate how much she paid for the mortgage and how much it will take to pay it off, and, when she sells it, subtract that amount from the price of the house and divide the rest according to the percentages of confidence.
I’m reluctant to suggest breaking out the calculators when it comes to an inheritance that is so tied to other factors that you can’t estimate the price, like care. However, if you don’t want to be responsible for the household finances, communicating who pays what bills in the future will help clarify what is ultimately right.
Dear Eric: Your response to the young mother whose husband didn’t like her friendships (“Finally have friends”) missed some troubling signs: She might be in an abusive relationship.
An abuser often isolates his partner from everyone around him, which makes him completely dependent on him. This family moved hundreds of miles from their previous home and she doesn’t seem to have a support system among family or friends (it’s her hometown).
There is no mention of how, or if sensitive to the problems she had adapting to the changes.
Now he tries to keep her away from the friends who seem to be her only lifeline, with comments and actions that don’t seem connected to reality. Having worked for a nonprofit that specializes in combating domestic violence, all of this raises red flags.
– Affected reader
Dear reader: I appreciate you raising these concerns. I contacted the letter writer directly when the letter was published, but I want to share a more comprehensive response here for anyone who is seeing similar red flags in their relationship.
Isolation is a characteristic of psychological abuse. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org/800-799-SAFE/texting “START” to 88788), 95% of contacts in 2020 reported experiencing emotional abuse.
These are behaviors from a spouse, partner or loved one that are intended to control, isolate or frighten. Some red flags include name calling, gaslighting (making you question your reality/the truth), monitoring your activities/stalking, threatening suicide during arguments, repeatedly accusing you of cheating, blaming you for their unhealthy behaviors and withholding affection.
This is by no means a complete list. Sometimes the signs of emotional abuse are not immediately apparent, but the Hotline has a comprehensive section that provides more information, examples and options for determining next steps.
Readers, please contact us if you or a loved one have any questions or would like to understand your options. You are not alone.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
