DEAR HARRIETTE:My son, who is in his twenties, was expelled from two universities.
The reasons for his expulsions are hard to talk about, but they have shaken my confidence in his future. He has always been smart, but somewhere along the way, things went wrong, and now I don’t know how to get him back on the right track.
As a parent, I want nothing more than to see him graduate from college, find a fulfilling career, and build a stable life, but with these setbacks, I’m starting to worry that his opportunities are slipping away.
The thought of him transferring to another university – let alone graduating – seems daunting to me, and I worry about the impact it will have on his ability to find a job in the future.
I have tried to talk to him, but he has become more withdrawn and defensive. He does not seem to recognize the seriousness of the situation and I fear that if we do not find a way to resolve the issue now, he will continue on a path that will make it even harder for him to change things.
How can I help him rebuild his life and get back on track when he feels like everything is falling apart?
— It’s time to reset
DEAR IT’S TIME TO RESET: Whatever happened – twice – to get your son expelled from school needs to be addressed directly.
See if he’s willing to see a counselor to talk about what’s going on in his life and why he’s in this situation. A professional can be extremely helpful to him at this time.
Graduating from college isn’t the only way to succeed. Instead of worrying and wondering how to get him back into college, talk to him about his desires for his future. What does he want to do with his life? What will he do now to make money?
Don’t give him a way out. He’s an adult and it’s time for him to start earning his own living. You don’t want to coddle him. Demand that he get a job and start taking responsibility.
DEAR HARRIETTE:I am a 36 year old woman who wants to get married, but my partner doesn’t seem to understand my hints.
I tried to drop subtle hints and even resorted to bribing his 5 year old son with ice cream after breakfast to ask his dad why we aren’t married yet.
However, my partner continues to make excuses and avoid the topic.
I wonder if it’s time for me to ask him about marriage directly, or if his behavior is a sign that he might not be interested in taking that next step.
Should I have the courage to have a frank conversation with him, or do these signs indicate that he may not be ready to commit? He is a good man in every way.
— Living together
DEAR LIVING TOGETHER:A problem many couples face these days is that they intertwine their lives before establishing an understanding of what each of them wants and what they can want together.
What did you discuss when you moved in together? Do you know his thoughts about marriage, family, and the future? You should definitely talk to him directly about what you want.
Don’t be shy. Tell him you want to get married. Ask him if he wants the same thing. Now figure out if you’re both on the same page or if you can work it out. If not, it’s time to walk away.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative dedicated to helping people access and make their dreams come true. Questions can be directed to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
