Last week, on a beautiful summer day near Santa Barbara, a group of friends gathered, hosted by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, better known as Harry and Meghan. It was a gathering of an exclusive club, one that no one wanted to join. Most of the parents here have lost a child – directly or indirectly – to exposure to social media.
Harry and Meghan are trying to give them, and other parents like them, somewhere to turn for help. It’s called The Parents’ Network, in association with the couple’s charity Archewell, and it officially launches today.
Meghan Markle herself knows a thing or two about online harassment, and of course, her husband, Harry, is no stranger to it either…or to indescribable heartbreak.
Pauley asked: “The central topic is the loss that these families have suffered, stories that need to be shared, because the parents who are listening who have not “They suffered a loss and thought they couldn’t. But they could.”
“They certainly could,” Harry said. “And that’s, I think, one of the scariest things we’ve learned in the last 16 or 17 years of social media, and particularly recently, is the fact that it could happen to absolutely anyone. We always talk about the days when if your kids were under your roof, you knew what they were doing; at least they were safe, right? And now they could be in the next room on a tablet or a phone and they can get lost in these rabbit holes. And before you know it, within 24 hours, they could be committing suicide.”
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Meghan said: “Our kids are young, they’re three and five. They’re amazing. But all you want to do as parents is protect them. And so, as we see what’s happening in the online space, we know there’s a lot of work to be done in that area, and we’re just happy to be a part of positive change.”
“Well, you hope that when your kids ask for help, someone, you know, is there to give it to them,” Pauley said.
“If you know how “We need to help, don’t we?” Harry said. “At this point, we’ve gotten to the point where almost every parent has to be the first responder. And even the best first responders in the world wouldn’t be able to detect the signs of a potential suicide. That’s the terrifying thing about it.”
It’s something Donna and Chris Dawley know all too well; their 17-year-old son, CJ, took his own life after what they believe was depression fuelled by social media use.
“We had no idea what had happened to our son,” Donna said. “You know, he had a nice car and a job he loved.”
“Sisters who loved him, parents who adored him,” Chris said.
“And he was happy“, Donna said. “He was a happy kid.”
And like many parents, the Dawleys say their son’s smartphone was a factor in his depression and death. The device was designed to be so addictive that he couldn’t put it down, even in the minutes before he died. “He always had it in his hand, the phone, that’s how addicted he was,” Donna said. “He couldn’t have even committed suicide without talking about it first.”
And as with the Dawleys, it is often impossible for parents, or anyone else, to see that someone was so desperate that they were contemplating suicide.
Meghan has been there, as she told Oprah Winfrey in 2021: “Look, I was really ashamed to say it at the time, and ashamed to have to admit it to Harry in particular, because I know how much loss he’s suffered. But I knew that if I didn’t say it, I would… and I just didn’t want to be alive anymore.”
Pauley asked him, “You’ve had an experience that has connected you to these families—and I see you touching your husband’s hand in the same way I knew you would care for each other if I went somewhere—but the connection you have with people is that they know you’ve suffered, too, personally. Contemplating suicide, that’s what suicidal ideation was. And I’m avoiding that because I see you’re not comfortable with me going there…”
“I understand why you’re like that, I didn’t expect it, but I understand why you’re like that, because there’s a common thread, I think,” Meghan said. “And when you’ve gone through a level of pain or trauma, I think part of our healing journey (and certainly part of mine) is being able to be really open about it. And you know, I haven’t really scratched the surface of my experience. But I think I would never want anyone else to feel that way. And I would never want anyone else to make those kinds of plans. And I would never want anyone else to not be believed.”
“So if expressing what I’ve overcome can save someone or encourage someone in their life to really take care of themselves and not assume that the way they look is fine, that everything is fine, then it’s worth it,” Meghan said. “I’ll take a hit.”
The in-person meeting was just a launch event — the parent network will meet primarily online. But the group’s facilitator, Leora Wolf-Prusan, said the important thing was what the group would talk about: “We’re going to stop expecting you to be done grieving in a year,” she told Pauley. “We’re going to stop telling you that we’re tired of hearing stories of harm online. Like, we’re going to say your child’s name over and over again, because they existed and they mattered. And we know it wasn’t your fault. That’s it, right?” It wasn’t your fault. It happened to you. And now, as a community, we can create something with You.”
Some of the group’s founding members include Taj and Selene Swanson-Jensen, whose son, Tanner, died of an overdose of drugs sold online; Brandy and Toney Roberts, who lost their daughter, Englyn, to suicide after being bullied online; and Perla Mendoza, whose son, Eli, died when a painkiller he bought online turned out to be a lethal dose of fentanyl.
Pauley said, “Thank you for being here. But I have to ask you: why would you do this?”
Taj replied: “Simple answer: so that others do not have to go through what we have gone through and will continue to go through.”
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Perla said: “I don’t expect anything from anyone. This is just a labor of love in honor of my son and all the other children who have lost their lives to fentanyl. This is for the mother who can’t get out of bed, for the father who doesn’t want to leave his house. I’m here for them too. And I hope that one day when it’s my turn to come home, I’ll see my son and he’ll say, ‘Good job, Mom.’”
The idea here is that there is comfort and power in numbers, with the goal (as Harry himself once said) of transforming pain into purpose.
Meghan said: “I think you have to start somewhere. I think the simplest thing for anyone looking at this or anyone who is in a position to make a difference is to look at it from the perspective of, ‘What if this was my daughter? What if this was my son? My son, or my daughter who comes home, who is happy, who I love, and one day, right under my roof, our whole lives change because of something that was completely out of our control?’ And if you look at it from a parent’s perspective, there’s no other way to look at it than to try to find a solution.”
If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, you can contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. You can also Chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline here.
For more information on mental health care resources and supportThe National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline is available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ET, at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or by email at info@nami.org.
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Story by John D’Amelio and Julie Kracov. Editor: Steven Tyler.
Jane Pauley
