DEAR HARRIETTE: Since my divorce, my 14-year-old son has been distant and openly disrespectful towards me. He thinks it’s my fault that his father and I separated.
I actually found out that my ex-husband was paying women for sexual favors, and I was disgusted and felt betrayed.
Despite this, I have not told my son the real reason for our separation because I want him to continue to respect his father, who has been a great father to him.
However, given my son’s recent change in behavior, I’m beginning to wonder if now is the time to reveal the truth.
— Sincere Guardian
DEAR SINCERE GUARDIAN:Your son certainly needs your attention and love, as well as a reestablishment of boundaries. What he doesn’t need is an epiphany about his father’s bad behavior.
You can explain to him that sometimes couples grow apart, no longer share the same needs or values, or face other challenges that cause them to disconnect. While it may be hard for him to understand what happened to his family, you and your ex both love him and want the best for him.
What may not work, however, is for him to continue to speak to you in a disrespectful manner. Remind him of how you taught him how to interact with you and other adults, including appropriate tone of voice, eye contact during conversation, answering questions, respecting time, etc. Tell him that you expect him to communicate with you accordingly.
You may also want to find him a therapist who can have strategic conversations with him about his life and his future.
DEAR HARRIETTE:As a teacher just starting out in my career, I am faced with a difficult situation where I suspect one of my students is being bullied.
She often sits alone at lunch and seems to avoid interactions with her classmates. I have heard hurtful comments about her appearance and abilities, which leads me to believe she may be the target of bullying.
I am not sure what is the best way to approach this sensitive topic. Should I talk to this student directly about what might happen to her, or should I seek help from school officials to ensure she is safe and supported?
Finding the balance between protecting my students and not making things worse is a challenge I face while learning how to support children in the best way possible. I teach middle school math.
– New teacher
DEAR NEW TEACHER:I recommend a two-pronged approach.
Establish a personal relationship with your student so she knows she has an ally. Check in on her. Ask how she’s doing and if she needs anything. Do your best to get to know her, but be careful not to let other students stare at you and mistake your kindness for favoritism.
Also talk to the school’s guidance counselor and ask for advice on how to protect this student. There may already be anti-bullying measures in place that can be carefully implemented at this time, or it may simply be that someone else is looking out for the student in their potentially vulnerable moments.
Harriette Cole is a lifestyle stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative dedicated to helping people access and make their dreams come true. Questions can be directed to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
