Dear Eric: I am one of four siblings. I live close to my 102-year-old mother, but not with her, while my brothers and sisters live far away.
Over the past 12 years, I have gradually taken over much of her care, although she generally makes her own decisions and is financially secure. She depends on me for cooking, shopping, appointments, and companionship.
My siblings visit her three to four times a year and do not contribute to her care consistently.
After some thought, our mother decided she would be safer and happier in an assisted living facility. She is understandably sad to leave her home of many years. I support her decision to move because she needs more care and more stimulation.
However, my siblings are trying to find ways for her to stay in her own home.
All the options they came up with involve a lot of work for my mom and me. She doesn’t want anyone living with her and I don’t want to hire, fire, train and supervise multiple caregivers. Their options assume that I will always be there to take care of her.
My siblings are coming to visit us soon and want to discuss how to keep mom in her own home. I’m afraid they’ll convince her not to move. I have to tell them that unless some or all move here, she needs to move to an assisted living facility.
I love my mother and I know my siblings do too. I don’t think they understand how much help she needs.
How can I tell them that I can’t do this anymore without making my mother feel guilty for everything I do for her?
– Tired girl
Dear daughter: It seems that your mother made an informed decision, which was not easy but which will help her continue to have a good quality of life and preserve her independence.
So while your siblings’ input may be well-intentioned, what they are tacitly saying is that neither you nor your mother knows what’s best for her. And that’s not true.
Only talk with siblings before their visit to emphasize that your mother is capable of making her own decisions and they should respect that. Also emphasize to them that you don’t think they know what day-to-day help looks like.
Be very firm and clear about the parts of their ideas that are not feasible or are asking too much of you. There is no need for debate. Your mother knows what she wants.
Pointing out gaps in their thinking, without your mother, can help them understand better without making your mother feel guilty.
If they still insist on a meeting, help your mother express her opinion and think about options. You have built a relationship with her in which she remains autonomous and, presumably, you are able to honestly express your views and opinions. This will really help here.
Dear Eric: A few months ago, I contacted my sister to share my concerns about our two brothers. Her response downplayed my concerns and focused on her and her problems. I responded to his negative response with my own vivacity.
She sent my brothers screenshots of what I had said about them. They were understandably angry with me, but I made amends with both of them.
She hasn’t spoken to me since. I wrote him a letter asking him to meet with me so we could see how to put this argument behind us. No acknowledgment or response.
She has two teenagers with whom I have remained in contact; she failed to recognize the milestones in the lives of my young adult children. What can I do to reconnect?
– Sister snubbed
Dear sister: It seems like your sister is more interested in stirring up drama than forging meaningful connections, so I’m not sure you can force her to change now.
In the relatively short history of text messaging, sending screenshots of a text conversation about the conversation has rarely been used as a de-escalation tool.
It should be noted that she also cuts herself off from your children. So if we’re keeping score (not usually helpful in families, but perhaps illustrative here), she stirred up conflict with your brothers, ghosted you, and deliberately deprived herself of a relationship with her nieces/nephews. This sounds like someone who has a lot of pain or a lot of pettiness. Or both.
She has a grievance that is probably not limited to this exchange. Your instinct for reconciliation is therefore the right one. But she has to make different choices for that to happen. If she’s not ready or willing, just wait and try again later.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
