Dear Eric: I love your column – read it every day. I don’t miss it because your advice is simple, precise, sensible and kind.
So, I saw myself in the letter from the friend of a woman who was so kind and helpful to everyone but rather controlling and bestial towards her husband (“Bad-Mouthing Do-Gooder”). Not as a friend, but as a “woman”, although thankfully not that exaggerated.
I see where I can improve my relationship with my husband – not that he’s perfect, as he tends to be a bit self-centered, but he’s a good guy with many excellent qualities.
After reading this column, I took a deep breath, took a step back, decided to let go and said to myself, “I can be a better person.” I made a promise to myself to do this, and this is my mantra: “Be a better person.”
I’m grateful for your column and happy to be able to change when needed.
– Live and learn
Dear Living and Learning: It’s a beautiful response to the sometimes tricky problem of being a person.
I applaud you for being so open and vulnerable and committing to change.
I also want to encourage you not to be too hard on yourself. It’s good to identify places where you can grow, but it’s also good to recognize places where you also need other people to make changes. The main thing is to talk about it, with empathy and openness, so that no one feels attacked and everyone feels heard.
Thank you also for your kind words about the column. I’m so happy this resonates with you.
Dear Eric: My husband and I are 70 years old and retired in a new community.
We are involved in church ministries and social groups that meet periodically for dinners. I’m a volunteer and an avid golfer.
My problem is not being able to turn new relationships into meaningful friendships. I’ve met a lot of great people, but I’m having a hard time getting close to anyone. Any suggestions?
– Feeling isolated
Dear Lonely: I know you’re not, but you’re not alone.
Many adults struggle to make the deep connections they want, especially later in life or in new communities. I turned to my friend and friendship expert Anna Goldfarb, author of “Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections.”
Here is what she advises:
“One of the best strategies for deepening a friendship is to provide what researchers call social identity support—that is, seeing your friends for all the roles they play in their lives: their race, social class, gender and religion. This might look like a request to try the favorite foods they ate growing up, including them in your cultural traditions, and signaling that you would like to be part of them too.
“Another strategy is to recruit an accountability partner. Identify a meaningful goal that you both want to achieve – move your body more, learn to knit, watch all the Matt Damon movies in chronological order – whatever floats your boat. Your friendship will deepen as you encourage each other because you are more invested in your successes.
Goldfarb told me, and I agree, that you’re off to a good start. So you should congratulate yourself for making the effort and continuing to try. It’s not always easy or as simple as we would like, but you are on the right track.
Dear Eric: I enjoy your column and would like to comment regarding “Game Off’s” letter regarding his frustrations with his 10-year-old great-nephew playing video games during family vacations.
I agree that family time is important and that in her own home she would need to negotiate something with her niece so she can spend time with her great-nephew during visits.
However, it is completely disconnected from gaming. Many colleges now have competitive gaming teams supported by computer science and graphics professors and operate out of the athletic department just like other teams – it’s called “esports” and is becoming big business.
His great-nephew could be heading towards a successful career thanks to video games.
– Playing time
Dear playtime: You’re right, it’s a question of balance. The letter writer can and should communicate their needs and desires regarding family visits. But she should also remain open to parenting choices that might not be the ones she would make in similar circumstances.
Additionally, while moderation is important when making decisions about gaming, you are correct that it is a growing and sometimes lucrative area of study and competition. The first college esports scholarship was awarded in 2014, and there are currently more than 250 college-level esports programs in the United States and Canada, according to the National Association of Collegiate Esports.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
