Dear Eric: I frequently have meetings at my house, more recently debate evenings. Close friends get together, have cocktails and eat snacks.
Last time, I decided to go for a warm atmosphere and organize a sleepover with debate. I just invited some ladies.
Then a guy I really like asked me if he could come. All the girls said they would be okay with it because he is in love and he is not at all likely to be lewd and inappropriate with women in pajamas.
Then I got a text from another friend asking if I was doing anything for the debate, and I told him no. Even though I love him like a cousin, he can be a little creepy, like he makes sexual comments out of the blue and for no reason.
Now I feel guilty for lying. Am I a terrible person?
– List of guests for the debate
Dear debate: I don’t need a Quinnipiac poll to say you’re not great.
You have the right to organize a guest list as you see fit. This especially applies to people who make you or your guests uncomfortable through inappropriate behavior. And you didn’t owe your friend the truth if you didn’t feel ready to discuss it at length.
That said, as is ideally the case for any candidate candidate, you can hold your friend accountable. If you don’t like his comments, you can report him. I hope he understands and changes. It’s healthy for your friendship and good for the group. Additionally, his response will reflect his true character.
Dear Eric: We have a couple with whom we meet periodically for dinner. It is discreet to fix the time and place; I usually let them choose.
The problem is that when we arrive at the agreed time (we are never late), they have usually already ordered starters (which they have mostly eaten) and their main course.
We always feel strange having to take the time to browse the menu and order. Once would be weird, but it’s almost every time.
I don’t know what to say. It’s embarrassing. Why do they invite us if they want to eat without us? Unless you arrive an hour earlier than the stated time, any suggestions?
– Meal madness
Expensive meal: What a fascinating habit this couple has. I would even go so far as to call it rude.
It’s one thing to arrive early and order a soda or cocktail while you wait, maybe an appetizer to share. But they started the whole meal. I would be perplexed too.
It’s best to face embarrassment head on. Next time you make plans, tell them you’ve noticed that they tend to arrive much earlier and start eating. Ask if there’s a reason for this and tell them you’d really like to spend the whole meal together.
It seems unlikely that they are unaware of this habit; maybe there’s a good reason. But talking about it – “dinner is at 6 p.m.; what time will you be there? – you give them the opportunity to explain themselves and adapt.
If they don’t either, maybe it’s best to just meet them for dessert.
Dear Eric: Our son just received a birthday card from his great aunt, which included a small amount of money. We told him to write him a thank you card and send it to him. He asked, “Can’t I send him a message?”
We don’t know what the right etiquette is these days. Texting wasn’t an option when we were growing up.
We can see where great aunt might like to have instant communication with our son (sixth grade) and his number so she can communicate with him in the future. We also understand how this might not sound very nice and agree that there is something about receiving old-fashioned snail mail.
Please advise.
– Grateful
Dear grateful: Every time I write thank you notes in this column, I open up a storm in a tea kettle in the responses. Well, call me a bag of Earl Gray because I’m at it again.
He should text And a word of thanks. Texting is her favorite, age-appropriate form of communication. Sending a quick thank you is convenient and can help her connect with her great-aunt.
But it’s valuable for him to learn how to write a thank you note and when to send it. The text could be a quick appreciation, for example, and the note could be a physical keepsake in which he tells her what he spent the money on.
As he gets older, he might decide not to send thank you notes, although I hope he doesn’t. However, understanding this skill now will pay off in the future. I think he will thank you.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
