Dear Eric:Just before my friend left on a trip to visit family in 2019, her cat passed away.
She wrapped the cat in one of her husband’s T-shirts and buried it in the desert garden, about two feet deep. Shortly before leaving, she discovered that desert wildlife had crept inside the garden fence and disturbed the site.
She told me she couldn’t handle the mess, which I completely understand. I was looking after her other cat and offered to take care of the grave.
My first attempt at cleaning up was unsuccessful. On my second attempt, I considered either taking the remains to be cremated or burying the cat in my garden. The cost of cremation was out of my reach, so for the past five years the cat has been safely buried in my garden.
Since then, the friendship has disintegrated. I gave back my key to his house.
She never really said she hated or liked my solution to the cat burial. She is a very private person and can be passive-aggressive, sarcastic and avoidant.
But what to do with the deceased cat?
If one of my cats had to be buried somewhere else, I would be angry. Should I dig up the cat and cremate what’s left? Should I make a box of cremated remains and mail it? Put what’s left in the ground in a box and not cremate it? Cremate it, email her apologizing and wishing her well and give her a deadline for mailing?
– Pet cemetery keeper
Dear Babysitter:Cats have nine lives, but one funeral is enough. Two is generous. Three is the risk of a prank.
Let the cat rest in peace in your garden. You have kindly solved a problem for your friend that she should have bothered to solve. You have done more than your part and you can let your worries rest in peace as well.
Dear Eric:At 75, I have been getting rid of my stuff for years in preparation for meeting my maker.
Unfortunately, my son’s new girlfriend thinks I can’t afford to buy decorations. I’m passing on all the beautiful arts and crafts she gives me to Goodwill.
I don’t want to tell him I’d prefer a good handmade lunch at my favorite cafe or other useful items. I’d love unscented soaps and shampoo, canned tuna, or stamps.
I just got rid of a lifetime of clothes and now prefer to live an austere life. Any advice please?
– Downsizing Dilemma
Dear Downsizing: Friend, you’re already there! You’ve narrowed it all down, including the potential conflict.
In your letter, you have identified the problem and found a solution that would satisfy everyone. So, just tell him the truth. You are still building a relationship and the best way to do that is to communicate, kindly and helpfully.
Before the next party, tell him exactly what you wrote to me: I’m moving to a smaller place, it’s liberating; this is what would really be valuable to me. You can even set the example by offering him a voucher for a romantic lunch to show him that you really mean it.
Dear Eric: I am an only child, single and comfortably retired, fortunate to have family nearby.
We are present in each other’s lives often and in solidarity. I am there for celebrations, emergencies and other events, whether they are happy or sad.
My health care proxy, power of attorney, and other legal documents are with them. We have had conversations about my end-of-life wishes and for some time now I have felt “safe” about that.
They recently announced that they plan to move to another part of the country when they retire, which is expected to be in four years. They failed to acknowledge the impact their move would have on me.
I will be over 70 by then and the thought of having to face the challenges of aging almost alone is frightening.
I’m not sure what to do. Should I just ask, “Have you thought about how your move will impact me and other family members?”
I hate that feeling; they have the right to enjoy their retirement wherever they want.
– Worried about the future
Dear afflicted ones: You trust them enough with your power of attorney and care, not to mention your joys and celebrations, so trust them with this tender emotion as well.
Tell them that you are happy for them, but also that you are afraid for your own future. These two emotions are not in conflict.
Ask them to help you think about what this means to you. Maybe they’ve already thought about it. You are not a burden.
Together, you have accomplished much of the important work we all need to do in elder care and end-of-life planning. Keep those lines of communication open. This will help you feel safer and make changes if necessary.
Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
