Dear Eric:I don’t know if you’re interested in the follow-up letters, but here goes. I’m the grandmother who was told she folded her son-in-law’s t-shirts wrong (Clothes’d Off).
I had a conversation with my daughter one morning while we were hiking. She confessed that she had also been told that she had folded her laundry incorrectly. Together we decided that I would no longer do her laundry and would continue to do the rest.
It was good food for thought to read your response, as well as some of the comments. What I didn’t explain initially is that I don’t go into their room; I do a load of laundry of whatever is in the washer when I arrive. My daughter has expressed appreciation for the (very few) things I do besides getting the twins ready for daycare.
I took a few days off (as several commenters suggested), and the parents had to get the kids up, dressed, and taken to daycare without me for several days. It was especially the twins who were so happy to see me when I returned. They love our relaxed mornings.
After our conversation, my daughter bought her husband his own laundry basket and he now does his own laundry. She also bought a basket for the twins’ socks and I no longer spend time matching socks. They love picking out their own socks in the morning and no one cares if they match or not.
– No more laundry blues
Dear No More Laundry Blues:I am absolutely delighted to read this. And I am sure many readers will be too – I have received an overwhelming number of emails regarding your situation. We were all angry. Thanks for the update.
Dear Eric: I am the eldest of three siblings and my parents are over 70 years old.
I have two daughters, 32 and 28, as well as many nieces and nephews.
Over the years, my husband and I have supported and acknowledged all the special events in the lives of my parents, my siblings, their children, and now my grandchildren. My daughters have moved to distant cities to start their careers, so they haven’t always been able to attend all the family gatherings during the holidays.
A girl just got married in a small ceremony near her town; there were only 30 people present, including nuclear families from both sides.
The week of the wedding, no family member addressed any words of congratulations to me.
A month after the wedding, no family member has sent a message, card, gift or anything to mark the occasion. I feel deeply hurt and have not contacted anyone either, expecting them to make the first move.
I don’t understand their behavior and it’s really hard not to have negative feelings towards them. Any tips on how I can feel better about this?
– Wedding Blues
Dear Blues: The role of Paul Revere in a family—delivering news, acknowledging life events—can become a burden when that energy isn’t reciprocated. It’s frustrating. You did this work out of love and connection. So to not receive that love in return feels like rejection.
It could be due to skill issues: Your family may not be as good at recognizing special occasions or value them as much as you are. Just like sending thank-you notes for gifts, sometimes we need to let our loved ones know what kind of communication is important to us.
It’s an extra effort for you, true, and it’s not fair. But proactively expressing our needs can be a foundational building block for healthier relationships in the long run.
I’m also curious if you sent out wedding invitations before the big day or photos after. Sometimes people need a little help keeping track of each other’s special moments, especially if they’re not posted on social media.
It’s not awkward to let your family members know the good news and invite them to celebrate with you from afar.
Dear Eric:I am a trauma therapist and have another solution for “Earthbound Wife,” whose husband took flying lessons even though she still suffers from the trauma of her first husband dying in a plane crash.
She should find a licensed therapist who has training in EMDR or Brainspotting. She will be able to process her trauma and will no longer be “triggered” by the painful memories. The memories will remain, but the emotional wound will be neutralized. She will then be able to handle her husband’s flying lessons in a more logical and rational way. (I have been doing this trauma work for 14 years.)
– Experienced therapist
Dear Therapist: Thank you for bringing up EMDR! I know many people who have found it extremely beneficial.
Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
