Dear Eric:We want to give our old car to our granddaughter, but we also have a step-grandson who lives in the same house and is almost the same age.
He will not have any other car than that of my son and my daughter-in-law.
I don’t want to cause trouble, but he has grandparents. I should be able to do it if we want, I think.
– Carpooling
Dear Carpool:Of course, you can do whatever you want.
Have you asked your son and daughter-in-law? They can help you spot and defuse any sibling conflicts that might arise over the gift. It’s also usually a good idea to ask them for advice before getting your child a car.
Leaving aside the car, I’m curious to know what your relationship with your step-grandson is like. Obviously it will be different, but it doesn’t have to seem any less good just because you’re not related by blood.
You don’t have to give him a car, but you have the opportunity to build a relationship that works for both of you.
Dear Eric: I am a 64 year old man, married for 42 years.
I’m married to the smartest, kindest, most honest person I’ve ever known. I tell him that all the time.
I’m still madly attracted to her. She finds it creepy, which makes me feel bad. She finds my physical attraction to her degrading.
Is it scary for me to still feel so physically attracted to my wife?
– The language of love
Dear Language: Ask her how she wants to feel appreciated. Maybe something has changed in the way she feels about herself, her libido, or even you. Maybe the way you express attraction has changed.
In fact, I’m sure some of these things have changed, if not all of them. You’re entering a new stage of your life and you’re in your fourth decade of marriage. If nothing has changed, something is wrong.
Does it have to do with physical intimacy, the words you use, the amount of sex you have? The best way to find out is to ask questions without expectations. “Can you tell me more about what I do that scares you?” or “What would be a good expression of attraction for you?” or simply “Something seems different between us, do you agree?”
You like this intelligent, kind, decent woman, so take the opportunity to listen to her intelligence, without judgment and with as much openness as you can.
Dear Eric: The letter from the 65-year-old widow (Lonely Mom) brought back memories of my own mother.
One day I asked my mother what gift she wanted for Christmas, her birthday, or Mother’s Day, and she told me what she wanted most: a regular weekly lunch with me and a monthly dinner with my family. Thus began a tradition of weekly lunches that I still cherish today, even though it was sometimes difficult to do.
The goal for the author and readers of your letter is both to allow parents to ask for what they want and for their adult children to try to schedule weekly contact, whether in person or by phone/Zoom, etc.
It was the best investment of time I ever made, and I’m glad Mom asked for what she needed. What I wouldn’t give to have just one more lunch with Mom. She passed away in 2018.
Finally, one of my young adult daughters makes a point of calling my husband or me when we’re walking to and from classes or driving, just to stay in touch, even if it’s just for a few minutes. We really appreciate that, and I think it’s pretty easy for her to do.
– A grateful mother and daughter
Dear grateful:That’s great advice. I totally agree. Thanks for sharing your beautiful memories.
Dear Eric:As a 60 year old mother of two sons in their 20s, I say that a single mother’s sons are NOT responsible for alleviating her loneliness.
Yes, she should ask them to call her more often, but what she really needs is community groups nearby, so she can find things to do. Find a coffee group, a card group, Community Ed has tons of exercise/movement classes, our library has weekly chess classes and “afternoon” craft classes.
I realize this may be a daunting ask if she’s very introverted and doesn’t want to work too hard to find these relationships (or has limited funds or mobility issues), but I think her sons will be only a small part of what I think she wants.
– Find your own pleasure
Dear Fun: Many respondents shared a similar sentiment. I agree with them and appreciate their perspective.
But, as Grateful explained above, there’s a difference between trusting someone else with your happiness and telling your loved ones how you feel. Single moms—and all of us—can do both.
Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
